A Whole New Definition to Black Friday

My sister and I have done the Black Friday thing for years. It started about 10 years ago, I was driving to work one November morning and the radio personalities were talking about how the mall was going to open at 12:01am on Black Friday. I wanted in. My mom was never a big Black Friday person, she is more the kind of person that starts her Christmas shopping in October and is pretty much done by Thanksgiving. My sister and I decided to start our own tradition. Over the years, my sister has become more like my mom and starts Christmas shopping early. I like to be a little more traditional and do not start my Christmas shopping until Black Friday.

This year was different. We stopped going to the mall years ago, but we still liked to head out of the house by 5am and would get home around 9am with Christmas shopping more or less completed for the year. This year, I had my blood pregnancy test at 8:15 in the morning. My mom and my sister decided to change things up a bit, and have a late Black Friday. The logic was to keep me busy with retail therapy while waiting for the doctor called back. We got to the mall around 10am, and about 30 seconds after I stepped out of the car, my phone rang. 

The test was negative, we lost both embryos. 

Shopping to keep my mind off of things quickly turned into full scaled retail therapy. I focused on Christmas as a temporary escape from my heart breaking. I choked back the tears, called Tom, because he needed to know, and went about my day. I managed to keep myself occupied with family visits, shopping, and dinner out until almost midnight, by that point, Tom and I had the "what do we do now" conversation. We went to bed, and I thought all was going to be okay. 

Everything was okay, until about 5am Saturday morning when everything hit. I cried. I cried for my overwhelming sense of failure, for the loss of our embryos, for the loss of the idea of having an entire family born the same month. As much as I tried to remain cautious, I was still optimistic. I wanted this IVF cycle to work, we have been trying so hard. I cried because of the numbers of children that are neglected and seemingly unwanted in the world, but we cannot have a baby of our own. It was hard. Crazy hard. 

Where do we go from here? Tom and I are going to relax and enjoy the holidays. My mother-in-law is planning to drive to Maine from Kansas City, and we are going to host Christmas dinner for both families. I am going to spoil Tom with presents, smile, and enjoy the season. In January, we are going to start the entire process over again, with the IVF cycle occurring sometime in February. We are working to reduce/ remove all of the big stressers in our life. We are also going to be much more private about it, because I think I jinxed  myself by blogging about it. For whatever reason, this time was not our time. We will become parents, no matter what it takes.

Embryo Transfer and the Emotional Rollercoaster

Our two perfect embryos

Our embryo transfer was on Wednesday, November 14. The procedure itself was very quick. We were told to arrive at 10am for a 10:30 procedure. They took us into the procedure room around 10:15, and Tom and I were on our way a little after 10:30. The nurses gave us a picture of the two embryos we had transferred. They are absolutely perfect. Our doctor told us we have the best case scenario for a successful IVF cycle. To further increase our chances, I had acupuncture therapy before and after the procedure.

Physical recovery following the embryo transfer was minor, at best. I was a little crampy. I was told to go home and relax. Emotionally, that is an entirely different story. Going into the embryo transfer, I expected to be really giddy and excited. In reality, the complete opposite is what happened. I have been dealing with infertility for several years at this point, and I felt exactly the same before the embryo transfer as I did after. There was no magic moment where I suddenly felt pregnant. I am trying to be optimistic, but at the same time, the concept of being pregnant is very surreal to me, and I do not want to get too excited just in case this cycle is not successful.

I started experiencing nausea and cramping Thursday night. In my head, I am interpreting this as morning sickness and using as an excuse to feel a little more optimistic. The reality is that morning sickness does not start for most women until the sixth week of pregnancy. I will be hitting week four on Friday, so I am more than a little early. The symptoms might be in my head, or, more likely, a side effect of the progesterone that I am on. I spoke to a nurse this morning, and she agreed with me that it is a little early to be experiencing morning sickness and my symptoms are likely a side effect of the progesterone. She also noted although it is not common, some women start experiencing morning sickness earlier than others. There is no way to be sure until my blood pregnancy test.

Post Egg Retrieval Update

Source Human embryos, not ours

On Friday I had my egg retrieval surgery. It was very quick, the prep actually took the longest part. I got to my doctor's office at 8am on Friday, they took me out back and had me change into a gown while Tom produces his, ahem, contribution. I got hooked up to an IV, and the nurse went over a pile of paperwork. Tom joined me as the nurse was finished up paperwork and the anesthesiologist came in. I was asked to pee, and then they walked me into the OR. I was positioned on the table, and the next thing I knew I was waking up and the procedure was done. All in all, the doctor was able to retrieve 13 eggs. Our goal was 10-12, so I did good. The procedure itself took about 15 minutes. Once I woke up, they wheeled me back to a recovery area. I dozed a little more, and then they gave me cookies and ginger ale. The nurse retrieved Tom, and as soon as I was able to pee again I was allowed to get dressed and go home.

The rest of Friday was spent laying on the couch with a heating pad and taking Tylenol every 4 hours. All of the surgical literature says to expect menstrual-like cramping after egg retrieval. Menstrual cramps don't make me cry, so yeah, it hurt. I was fortunate in that I did not experience any nausea, and as long as I stayed put with my heating pad, I was good. I actually went to work on Saturday, although I did use a second chair to keep my feet up. Today I feel fine, occasional mild cramping, but aside from that I would say I am back to normal.

We found out on Saturday that of the 13 eggs retrieved, 12 fertilized. You can probably guess that this is really good, Tom and I were giddy. Today we found out that our little embryos are healthy enough to stay in the incubator until day 5, which is also known as the blastocyst stage. Tom and I are very fortunate in that we have insurance coverage for IVF, but it only gives us 3 lifetime cycles. I wanted to give this cycle every possible chance so that we can save our other two cycles for siblings. Scientific research indicates that embryos transferred on day 5 have a higher chance of implanting, which ultimately results in pregnancy. Our doctor explained it by saying the longer the embryos are able to incubate, the better able the embryologist is able to choose the healthiest embryos to transfer. Healthy embryos make healthy babies.

What this all boils down to is that on Wednesday I will have two embryos transferred back into me.  In other words, I will be pregnant with twins (until proven otherwise) in three days. Tom and I have been trying to start a family for three years, we knew it was going to be a difficult battle, but now we can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Our friends and family have been so supportive throughout this IVF cycle, everyone is praying for us. Tom and I have this gut feeling that we are going to have twins next August. I am dreading the two week wait until we find out if everything is successful. Our nurse on Friday told me that the stars all seem to be aligned this time, my egg retrieval was nine months from Tom's birthday, and the transfer will be nine months from my birthday. I should also throw in there that 13 is our lucky number. We shall see.

Trigger Happy

My last ultrasound was on Tuesday morning, at which time I had 15 follicles. The doctor called and decided to have me do my last round of shots last night, and scheduled me for my egg retrieval surgery on Friday! I took my trigger shot tonight at 9pm, which will get all my little follicles ready for Friday. It also means that I am officially done giving myself injections. Our little embryos will be conceived on Friday, which happens to be nine months from Thom's birthday. They will be transferred back into me next Wednesday, which is exactly nine months from my birthday. With luck and prayers, we should be pregnant by the middle of next week!

Ultrasound #3

Source

In addition to injections every night, I also have the pleasure of almost daily ultrasounds and bloodwork. Actually, as of today, I'm up to daily ultrasounds as my next one is scheduled for tomorrow. For those of you that have not experienced IVF, the stimulation phase is a time in which fertility medications are administered via injection with the goal of creating follicles, which are little pouches of fluid that contain an egg. Each woman is different, the ideal situation is to create 20 follicles prior to egg retrieval. My ovaries have been rated as fair, and my doctor has given us the goal of 12 follicles prior to egg retrieval. In order for a follicle to be counted, it needs to measure 12mm in any direction. As of this morning, I am up to 6 measurable follicles, with a another half dozen or so that are between 11.5mm and 12mm, which will likely be countable tomorrow when I have my next ultrasound, followed by an acupuncture session, thank goodness. When the nurse called me today to give me my medication instructions, she told me that egg retrieval could occur as early as Wednesday but will likely occur on Thursday or Friday.

I am definitely looking forward to egg retrieval, not only because it means another step forward in our journey to become pregnant, but also because I'm not going to lie, it is really uncomfortable to have swollen ovaries. The average woman ovulates one, maybe two follicles in a cycle. I have about a dozen on each side. I'm crampy, and the heating pad and tylenol are not helping at all. I keep telling myself that the cramps are a good sign because it means that follicles are growing, but it is still very uncomfortable.

Halfway Through

In addition to last night being Halloween, it was also the halfway point of my fertility injections. The needles are starting to sting a little more and my tummy is very tender. I have more or less been living off of Tylenol and my heating pad for the last couple of days. I had my first ultrasound on Tuesday, and everything is looking good, the shots are definitely doing their job. Tonight I get to add a third medication to the mix. Fortunately, the nurse told me I could mix it with my other medication so I still only need to give myself two shots.

I also had a reality check this week. I looked at my calender and did some math out, if everything continues to go according to schedule, I will be having surgery next week for my egg retrieval. Five days after that, the embryos will be transferred back into me. In other words, in about two weeks, I am likely going to be pregnant. This process has definitely flown by. The cramps from the shots suck, there is no denying it, but at the same time, it is only for twelve days, and before I know it, I will be finally experiencing pregnancy.

One of my friends on Facebook connected me with one of her friends that had recently gone through IVF. It was really nice to be able to talk to someone on the other side. She happen to have the same doctor that Tom and I do, and was put on the same medication regimen. She now has two beautiful twin boys. She describes infertility as something she would not wish upon her worst enemy, but at the same time, she appreciates the inner strength it forced her to discover. They say that God does not throw anything at you that you cannot handle.

If all goes as planned, Tom and I find out if our IVF cycle was successful on Thanksgiving. My new friend told me that the two weeks between embryo transfer and the pregnancy test will be the longest two weeks of your life, but if you meditate, you will know. My response is that I will be doing a lot of self-reflection and meditation, and I hope to have something very special to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.

Time to Shoot Up, With Fertility Medication

Did you ever wonder what $8,000 worth of medication looks like? Turn to your left, and you will know. That's right, three zeros. I have a bag sitting in my dining room that I am pretty sure is worth more than my car. The best part? It is all injectables, aka shots. I started giving myself shots last night. They are subcutaneous needles, which means they are very tiny. I would compare them to the needles my acupuncturist uses. I was really nervous about giving myself shots, but the lovely nurse at the apothecary gave me a hands on tutorial. It really is not that difficult, I have to mix one of the medications and it kind of makes me feel like a chemist or something. In the near future, I will be adding a third medication, but I can just mix that with one of the other medications I'm taking and stick to two shots a night for 12 days. Now the needles are not that bad, the cramping that comes from after the shot sucks. I've been loving my heating pad since last night. I knew cramping was going to come into play, but I did not expect it so early in the game. Oh well, it will be worth it in the end right?

Overwhelmed

Source

So, my blog has sort of taken on a different flavor as of late. When I first started writing again, towards the end of August, I was all optimistic that my blog would be a collection of recipes, restaurant reviews, and DIY projects. The thing with blogs, and writing in general, is they sort of take on a mind of their own, they ignore what your intention was, and encourage you to get to the heart of everything. As a result, my happy go lucky little newlywed lifestyle blog seems to be shifting. It is shifting to my life, and my story, and maybe I will be lucky enough that other people will want to read it, if not, it's a way for me to get my emotions out. Let me tell you, right now, my brain is absolutely fried. I explained it to Tom the other day, he asked how I was feeling, and I told him that I cannot focus on anything and my brain feels like scrambled eggs.

Our first IVF trial is now in full swing. I just completed my suppression phase, and now I am waiting for good ol' aunt flo to arrive so that I can become a human pin cushion. I mean, so that I can start administering my hormones, by injection. Two a night, for I want to say about 12 days. I'm not afraid of needles, but I am absolutely terrified of the idea of giving shots to myself. I've watched the educational videos online that my doctor prescribed, and tomorrow I get some one on one time with a nurse to answer any questions. Then I get to start going to regular ultrasounds until the doctor decides that I've created enough follicles for surgery. Which should be sometime in mid-November. Five days after that, the best two embryos will be transferred back into me, and by Thanksgiving we find out if the entire process is successful. My doctor is very optimistic due to my age. I'm terrified. I'll be honest, I'm so used to being infertile that over the last year, even when I've been late, in the back of my head, like it or not, I knew that I was likely not pregnant. It still hurts to have confirmation, but at the same time, it has kept me away from thinking about being a mommy. This time around? Completely different story. I don't know how to describe it, but Tom and I just have this sort of gut feeling that next August we will be welcoming twin girls into the world. The reality of we are going to become parents, sooner versus later, is starting to hit home.

Tom and I paid our final car payment about a week ago, and now we are on the market for a new car. Our list of things we are looking for in a car has completely changed, we need something that we can take camping and on road trips, that will also fit a car seat or two and baby gear. Safety ratings are also taking a whole new priority. This past weekend, my mom and I went to a baby shower. I had a blast at the baby shower and got to hold my cousin's three month old baby. Once I got home, I browsed around the website of a popular baby chain. I was more than a little struck with sticker shock. Babies can be expensive! Needless to say, we are also in the process of stabilizing our finances, with plans to purchase our first new car by the end of 2013 and a house, yes, a house, in the next 3-5 years.

Medical procedures, babies, finances, cars, and houses. No wonder my brain is scrambled eggs. On the positive note, I'm happy to be planning for the future and making steps in a positive direction. On the other had, it is a lot to process in a relatively short piece of time.

Moving Forward

I apologize for not posting lately, truth be told, I just do not have a lot to write about right now. There is so much happening, yet at the same time so little. We received financial approval for IVF, now I just need to wait for the finance department to get in contact with my specific doctor so that they can tell me what to do next. Things are starting to get very real, I went to my cousin's baby shower on Sunday, and all I could think about it how next summer we will (hopefully) be celebrating my baby shower. I had an acupuncture session this morning, and my acupuncturist informed me that next week we are going to start focusing on fertility and less on anxiety, which is definitely going to be a change.

In other news, but sort of related, Tom and I have started looking at new cars. Specifically, an SUV crossover. Right now, we drive a Chevy Impala, which we love, and paid off last Thursday. The only problem with our current car? When Tom and I go camping, we use up the entire trunk and the backseat. There is simply no way we could fit a car seat or two plus baby gear plus all our camping equipment. We also like to road trip and need something reliable that we will all fit in. I guess the nearly 200,000 miles we have put on our current vehicle does not help the situation either. After test driving about a half dozen different vehicles, I think we are going to go with a Subaru Outback. We really loved test driving it, it has an excellent resale value, and our friends are giving it rave reviews.

I guess that's about it, lots of dreaming, planning, and waiting.

Where did Jenny go? My Journey through Infertility and the beginning of IVF.

As you may, or likely may not have noticed, I haven't been around much in the blogging world for the last week or so. Did you ever have one of those experiences that just rocks you to the core? That was last week. Let's back up a bit, and get a little more personal. 

Tom and I want to have a baby. We have wanted to have a baby for a very long time. I was diagnosed with PCOS during my early twenties, so I knew that having a baby was going to be difficult. As a result, when I first moved in with Tom back in 2009, I threw out my pack of birth control pills. Our mantra for the next two years was when the time is right, we will get pregnant. Fast forward to August of 2011, a month before our wedding. At this point we had been informally trying for two years. The average couple is able to conceive within one year. My doctor referred us to an ob/gyn that specializes in infertility. To spare you the details, we tried everything, including surgery. No dice, still no baby. Tom and I are very fortunate in that we work for a company that provides insurance coverage for IVF. It was because of this that about a month after my surgery, Tom, myself, and my ob/gyn made the decision that if we were not pregnant by August of 2012, we were going to seek the IVF route. August has come and gone, still no baby. Our ob/gyn referred us to a reproductive endocrinologist. Our first consult was completely harmless, about a half hour talk about what we have tried and an order for blood work. Then we went in, and the pulled eight viles of blood from me. To the average person, this may seem like a lot, for someone that has been going through infertility for over a year, I don't even feel the pin prick anymore. Then comes our second consultation, which occurred on Monday of last week. Pardon my French, shit just got real. 

The appointment started out with reviewing the results of our bloodwork. Tom is completely normal, so the problem is with me, but we will probably never know exactly what the problem is. The doctor recommended IVF and is highly optimistic that it will be successful because everything in me appears normal, there just seems to be a problem with the sperm meeting the egg. We then started discussing actual plans, as in, how many embryos to transfer, what day to transfer them. If that wasn't enough, then we got to meet with the nurse. The nurse greeted us with a mountain of consent forms, a time line, and videos to watch. The videos? They were about how to give myself shots. That's right, injections, with a needle, two a night, for about a week. Then I get to have surgery, then my eggs are combined with Tom's sperm, and then two little embryos will be transferred back into me. Hopefully, to make themselves at home. 

It was a lot to take in. Infertility is a lot to take in. It seems like some women simply need to look at a man, and then get pregnant. It is the most basic female thing, to carry a child. I cannot do it. I would not be able to do it without help. I fail. It is a very lonely journey. I try not to talk about it much, but people ask. Friends, family, and co-workers know that we are trying to start a family, and everyone wants to be the first to know. People give me advice, like "you need to relax" or "you are young, it will happen," I know these people are trying to be nice, but no offense, especially if you already have children, you have no idea what I am going through. I've also been asked if we have considered adoption. Yes, we have, but as an ultimate last resort. We want a baby that is OUR baby, not someone else's. I want to experience pregnancy, I want the baby belly, I want the intimacy that is breast feeding. I want to look at our child and see Tom's eyes, or my nose. 

Anyways, yeah, that is my excuse, that is my reason for being away for the last week. I'm trying to process everything, to adjust to what will soon become our new normal. I don't want my blog to become an infertility blog, the journey is just a bit too personal for that. I will occasionally give updates, especially if everything goes as planned and we successfully become pregnant in November. This is a lifestyle blog, however, and this is my life right now.