Where did Jenny go? My Journey through Infertility and the beginning of IVF.

As you may, or likely may not have noticed, I haven't been around much in the blogging world for the last week or so. Did you ever have one of those experiences that just rocks you to the core? That was last week. Let's back up a bit, and get a little more personal. 

Tom and I want to have a baby. We have wanted to have a baby for a very long time. I was diagnosed with PCOS during my early twenties, so I knew that having a baby was going to be difficult. As a result, when I first moved in with Tom back in 2009, I threw out my pack of birth control pills. Our mantra for the next two years was when the time is right, we will get pregnant. Fast forward to August of 2011, a month before our wedding. At this point we had been informally trying for two years. The average couple is able to conceive within one year. My doctor referred us to an ob/gyn that specializes in infertility. To spare you the details, we tried everything, including surgery. No dice, still no baby. Tom and I are very fortunate in that we work for a company that provides insurance coverage for IVF. It was because of this that about a month after my surgery, Tom, myself, and my ob/gyn made the decision that if we were not pregnant by August of 2012, we were going to seek the IVF route. August has come and gone, still no baby. Our ob/gyn referred us to a reproductive endocrinologist. Our first consult was completely harmless, about a half hour talk about what we have tried and an order for blood work. Then we went in, and the pulled eight viles of blood from me. To the average person, this may seem like a lot, for someone that has been going through infertility for over a year, I don't even feel the pin prick anymore. Then comes our second consultation, which occurred on Monday of last week. Pardon my French, shit just got real. 

The appointment started out with reviewing the results of our bloodwork. Tom is completely normal, so the problem is with me, but we will probably never know exactly what the problem is. The doctor recommended IVF and is highly optimistic that it will be successful because everything in me appears normal, there just seems to be a problem with the sperm meeting the egg. We then started discussing actual plans, as in, how many embryos to transfer, what day to transfer them. If that wasn't enough, then we got to meet with the nurse. The nurse greeted us with a mountain of consent forms, a time line, and videos to watch. The videos? They were about how to give myself shots. That's right, injections, with a needle, two a night, for about a week. Then I get to have surgery, then my eggs are combined with Tom's sperm, and then two little embryos will be transferred back into me. Hopefully, to make themselves at home. 

It was a lot to take in. Infertility is a lot to take in. It seems like some women simply need to look at a man, and then get pregnant. It is the most basic female thing, to carry a child. I cannot do it. I would not be able to do it without help. I fail. It is a very lonely journey. I try not to talk about it much, but people ask. Friends, family, and co-workers know that we are trying to start a family, and everyone wants to be the first to know. People give me advice, like "you need to relax" or "you are young, it will happen," I know these people are trying to be nice, but no offense, especially if you already have children, you have no idea what I am going through. I've also been asked if we have considered adoption. Yes, we have, but as an ultimate last resort. We want a baby that is OUR baby, not someone else's. I want to experience pregnancy, I want the baby belly, I want the intimacy that is breast feeding. I want to look at our child and see Tom's eyes, or my nose. 

Anyways, yeah, that is my excuse, that is my reason for being away for the last week. I'm trying to process everything, to adjust to what will soon become our new normal. I don't want my blog to become an infertility blog, the journey is just a bit too personal for that. I will occasionally give updates, especially if everything goes as planned and we successfully become pregnant in November. This is a lifestyle blog, however, and this is my life right now.